Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
