she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
