ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
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