11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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