Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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