so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I have tasted many bathrooms
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
