Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
birth control should be required to get into college
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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