I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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