You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
