im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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