rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
