I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
