im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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