Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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