i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
