You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
