All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
