You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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