and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
