Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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