that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
