After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
