i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
