note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
