My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Randomize