Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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