You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
