please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
