as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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