I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
this hospital has no fireball
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
