I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
