Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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