I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
