i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
