3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
