Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
