jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
