Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
