god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
