Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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