I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
false alarm, still single
we should paint friendship bongs
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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