why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
