Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
