90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We just shotgunned beers for America
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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