I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
