I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
