Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
