she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
