How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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