chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
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