How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize