My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I forget how to act sober
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
