i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
not ubering you a puppy
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize