either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
