rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
There's always time for handjobs
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
What a dumb baby whore.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
