I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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