i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
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