I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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