Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
