Where did you get a picture of my penis
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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